Riffing was invented as an artform by Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1989-99), as an antidote to bad movies & television. When the viewing gets brutal, that’s when the ‘riff button’ needs to get pushed. The best riffers quip the kookiest comments on contemporary morays.
Glen or Glenda (1953) is Ed Wood’s magnum opus, a confused autobiographical account on transvestism. It’s nowhere close to being the worst movie ever, but it’s certainly bad enough to riff. For reference, the worst movie ever is Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966). Compared to Coleman Francis & Roger Corman, Ed Wood is benign.
What follows below is my time-coded riff track, for July 21, 2020, when Trace Beaulieu (Dr. Forrester & Crow) & Frank Conniff (TV’s Frank) live-streamed this film, and allowed fans to riff on it with them. Thousands came & participated. I had never seen Glen or Glenda before this event was announced, and used this video below to watch & create my riffs. The time codes are in braces. I don’t riff the trailer, which runs through 2:56.
Sound technician, Ben Winkler– you’re awful already [3:37]
Ed Wood Facebook update: April 1953, 1:32 PM [4:05]
White on white, translucent black capes, back on the rack… [4:38]
Robocop 2, Cain: We have a Nuke for every mood– white noise, black thunder, red ramrod, blue velvet… [5:41]
The people want paradise… and they will have it. [6:50]
Benzedrine’s got my teeth wiggling… cut it with scopolamine… five mils per…. [7:18]
Pull my finger [7:45]
Snap out of your narco-coma Bela, the baby needs changing [8:25]
#MeToo! [9:23]
… like a graduation cap & gown [9:46]
… and in a way, what else? [10:27]
Chip dip [11:01]
… and 5-time Turkey Award winner [11:19]
Idiosynchronicities [11:32]
Death Warrant– that’s where the cops play Warrant until your head explodes [11:39]
… with extreme prejudice [11:57]
… such as George Floyd [12:03]
The rest of the time they know everything [12:12]
But we professionals prefer the terms cross-dresser, freak, or fruitcake [12:36]
It depends on their insurance [12:58]
A tragic case of mistaken identity [13:24]
Only the infinity of the depths of Ed Wood’s simple mind can really tell this story [13:48]
Carmelita, hold me tighter… [14:05]
Time, I’ve been passing time, watching trains go by… [14:44]
Camera’s got those images, camera’s got them all… [15:08]
This sensational headline is clipped & pasted in, it’s not even the same font, c’mon [15:15]
… and if He had wanted us to drop bombs, He would have given us manual-opening bay doors [15:29]
That’s why we use cardboard cut-outs for nature scenery [15:45]
… while disregarding pollution and all it’s consequences [16:10]
So what were Paul & Linda McCartney doing in the 1970’s? [16:20]
… and if there is no Creator, then all of this is nonsense [16:33]
Just look at RuPaul [16:46]
Behind locked doors: We’re being made to go into Ed Wood’s closet, so hold on folks… [17:08]
… and J. Edgar Hoover’s too [17:29]
… the little faggot got his own jet airplane, the little faggot he’s a millionaire [17:40]
… I’m feeling guilty I haven’t taken you out once [18:21]
She’s finally earned her beautician’s certificate [18:36]
A couch, electricity, running water, a refrigerator full of food, a soft bed… [19:14]
Is that how male balding works? [19:41]
Everyone in this movie has the same same edition of the paper [20:00]
Hats that don’t clash with their bad color schemes & silly mascots– interesting thought indeed [20:09]
This is native? [20:18]
In the Pentagon & deep state apparatus [20:46]
Like this movie [21:11]
It’s sad really… [21:33]
Except he doesn’t have a car [21:50]
Yeah, Fairies Wear Boots, and you gotta believe me… [22:17]
It was November 1 [22:40]
Water cooler gossip– the early years [23:06]
So I went to the doctor, to see what he could give me. He said, son, son you’ve gone too far, ‘Cause smokin’ and trippin’ is all that you do,’ Yeah! [23:15]
… like Steve, or Alan, or Earl, or Doug, or John, or Billie Joe [23:41]
TMI! [24:36]
No, not the milkman!! [24:40]
.. and depositions [24:57]
Little known fact– this shot inspired Peter Bogdanovich’s climactic courtroom scene in What’s Up Doc? [25:05]
What?!! She’s a bubble-headed ‘7’ at best [25:31]
And for comparison, Glenda is a ‘no-go zone’ [25:37]
Yes, we’ve SEEN the paper!! [25:50]
… while the rest of us wonder how their body parts now work [26:00]
Ed Wood has the IQ of cotton [26:16]
It’s hard for Barbara to visualize when it’s right in front of her [26:31]
… about to be married & lead a normal lie together…[!!] [26:38]
Coming out of the closet as a transvestite: Act II [27:14]
… I’d like to remain in the closet [28:09]
Except money [28:23]
… I said I couldn’t hit it sideways, oh just like Sister Ray said, lay it on ’em Bela… [28:45]
Hit her after, it’s more festive [29:10]
Size me [30:16]
She had just what Glenda wanted, right there at the counter– amazing!! [30:34]
… or perhaps the drool gave him away [30:40]
The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed… [30:58]
Oooh… your manicured nails excite me! [31:19]
It’s called dragging [31:29]
The Big Lebowski, Walter Sobchak: “Nihilists! Fuck Me.” [31:47]
Hangin’ around, nothin’ to do but frown… [31:58]
like Evel Knievel [32:21]
The screenwriter/director has descended into shameless self-pity [32:33]
You’d have a booming plastic surgery industry, tied into all the insurance networks [32:53]
What did this stock footage have to do with the dialogue? Blast furnace workers’ most intimate conversations?? [33:00]
… and no one else will eat with you [33:43]
Hasn’t it always been that way? [34:14]
Don’t we all? [34:18]
The “man with the book” refers to Trump’s ‘The Art of the Deal’ [34:33]
Then the problem is YOU [34:41]
Glen’s got a problem and he’ll keep punching at it, and punching at it, and punching at it… [35:05]
Now you know how we feel [35:15]
That’s when the DT’s & shakes kicked in… [35:28]
Flashback: Johnny likes to wear frilly stuff… [35:53]
The “new wife” and the “little woman,” do we see the problem here? [36:10]
You have stretched out my most comfortable nightie, you are so dead [36:17]
Hey, we’ve all got problems [36:25]
… but we don’t have any in this movie [36:58]
… or a penis [37:08]
Here is where it’s nice if you have total consciousness [37:13]
Think, Think, Think back baby… [37:24]
Tush, tush, you lose your push, when you beat around the bush… [37:38]
I’m a closet transvestite [38:14]
Ground control to Major Tom, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong… [38:37]
… and finally get off 1st base, Glen [39:03]
All of a sudden, it’s a DW Griffith silent movie [39:20]
‘Cos when the smack begins to flow, then I really don’t care anymore… [39:45]
Ed Wood’s Ingmar Bergman phase [40:10]
early Andy Warhol screen tests [41:15]
Surreal Glen/Glenda sequence, clearly Luis Buñuel influenced, consult your therapist for interpretation [42:00]
Dream sequence where seven months later they’re getting married, in the same clothes, in a sleazy Las Vegas chapel. It’s hell, but Glen has been brave in not hitting his bride Barbara with the truth. [42:27]
Yikes! Time to detox, Bela [43:20]
Daniel Davis does Sally Field in Sybil [43:35]
Shiny shiny, shiny boots of leather… [43:52]
She’s not a very good mime [44:12]
Superstar ‘Baby Jane’ Holzer, an early screen test [44:28]
Mary Woronov, the lost screen test [44:50]
Susan Bottomly & Ann B re-enact the Havana nightclub scene from The Godfather, Part 2 [45:20]
Best part of the movie– right here [45:45]
Tying up Edie Sedgwick [46:15]
Careful with those high-heels Edie, you’ll rip the upholstery [46:26]
Welcome to the Cabaret, where everyone is beautiful… even the orchestra, is beautiful [47:19]
[cut-away to Bela]: Action! [48:34]
Ed Wood should have moved the camera behind the sofa for this shot [49:05]
Anybody got a clue what this is? Let’s ask Bela… [49:45]
Martine Bartlett, stop torturing me from my childhood! [50:16]
When we grew up and went to school there were certain teachers who would hurt the children anyway they could… [50:36]
Tear down the wall!! Tear down the wall!! [51:02]
He’s once, twice, Three Times a Lady… [51:43]
Brutal sound editing. Tape hiss, jump cuts, distortion, wobble & wow– with no low-end fidelity. Makes Mitch Miller sound brilliant by comparison. [52:06]
Wagnerian melodrama [53:05]
She wears a bullet bra too! (Ed Wood gets a woody) [53:20]
Mythical warhorses are carrying our psychically defeated transvestite hero off to Valhalla. It’s what Ed Wood is trying to convey here through the music, only he didn’t have the budget (or imagination) for visuals. [53:36]
This devil needs advanced bone grafting, and a dental implant to replace #7– the upper right lateral incisor. Or else a 3-unit bridge. Or AT LEAST a removable appliance. This not-so-scary Satan can’t bite into a raw carrot without loosening a tooth. [54:02]
Nice mousse job on Satan’s horns, huh? [54:10]
Mirror, mirror on the wall, when will this movie end? [54:50]
Glen has decided to tell Barbara he’s also Glenda, by serenading her, “A small Jean Genie snuck off to the city…” [55:13]
… and then more slowly, as the painful realization of rejection sets in [55:39]
[Barbara in tears]: You only love me for my angora! [55:53]
Undead undead undead [56:40]
Try and see it my way/ We can work it out / We can work it out [57:17]
This angora sweater shall bind the two of them together, without being too restricting on either of them [57:36]
Past life, huh? I have to admit my past lives are very complicated, especially during the Middle Ages. This is very advanced stuff, for sure. [58:04]
How do we know you’re not lying, Timothy Farrell? We need proof, this is science [58:11]
… unless it’s taught, say by using an psuedo-instructional film, such as this one [58:27]
This is achieved by canceling all catalog subscriptions to Victoria’s Secret [58:49]
That’s how it works when you write a book, creative control– yup [59:14]
… just like Pearl Forrester always wanted a girl, but had Clayton ‘Deborah Susan’ Forrester instead [59:32]
Because he sucked at sports [59:39]
A total reject [59:52]
Glen, can you run to the drug store and get mommy a package of tampons? [1:00:05]
Piece of Mind, Iron Maiden rules [1:00:12]
His particular perversions? [1:00:27]
Dear diary, I soiled my fresh silk panties & slip while hitting the beach at Guadalcanal. The shame of it all made me want to die, but I courageously pressed on. I suffered three broken nails in the assault. I wonder if that qualifies me for the Purple Heart? It would look great with my see-through teri-top & thong. [1:01:04]
Padding out the film with WW2 stock footage [1:01:40]
WW2 ended, and Ed Wood learned nothing from it [1:02:08]
But Alan most coveted being splashed on the cover of Vogue magazine, the September Issue [1:02:24]
… using eminent domain [1:02:46]
So Alan had a big dick, and also a small, hard-to-detect vagina? I’m starting to not believe this human hermaphrodite stuff. [1:03:08]
“Easy to see,” if you’re delusional and not-too-swift [1:03:40]
These hormone shots caused cruel & unknown side-effects, which shortened his life, and caused Alan to die horribly & painfully [1:04:09]
Lady Godiva here dressed so demurely, pats the head of another curly haired boy, just another toy… [1:04:33]
It’s like going to the dentist everyday, who wants that? [1:04:47]
Early boob job massacre [1:05:02]
John Cale: One goes here… Lou Reed: One goes there. [1:05:25]
Not a spot of blood on any of them, they must be technically brilliant! [1:05:39]
OUCH!!! [1:05:54]
Silent film Bela, doing Buster Keaton all strung out, with heavy Weimar cinema influence [1:06:12]
Oowie, oowie, oowie, it hurts & stuff… [1:06:52]
Modern medicine has created the high-maintenance COUCH POTATO!! [1:07:05]
… on the same person [1:07:19]
I don’t care what you say anymore this MY LIFE… [1:07:32]
Hey babe, take a Walk on the Wild Side… [1:07:45]
It’s to please her man– of course!! [1:07:57]
She’s a woman in love (2x) / And he’s gonna break her heart to pieces… [1:08:15]
This is a man’s world (2x) / But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a transvestite dressed like a girl [1:08:34]
We leased out a local JC Penny’s ‘women’s wear’ department after hours, and treated ourselves extensively… [1:09:09]
Ed Wood is referring to ‘hermaphrodite’ as part of the taxonomy of many invertebrates, only he doesn’t know it [1:09:27]
First, always use fabric softener… [1:09:47]
… while Glen wanted to be a cheerleader [1:09:54]
I’m Walkin’ / Yes indeed, I’m talkin” / I Accuse My Parents [1:10:10]
In this alcoholic family, Ed Wood was the lost child, and thus the unhealthy paradigm was constructed [1:10:20]
“Putting your foot down” pushes him right back into the closet, sweetie– pay attention Barbara [1:11:00]
That’s a good girl, Barbara. Don’t you love happy endings? [1:11:18]
Cut-outs for the ‘Glen or Glenda’ soundtrack were notched in the center [1:11:35]
Don’t even narrate that as a joke [1:11:45]
We’re a happy family (3x) / Me, mom & daddy… [1:12:00]
Let’s leave that to Warhol, Fassbinder, or John Waters [1:12:24]
Undead undead undead!! [1:12:35]
Disclaimer: This film you just saw was based on a true story, only everything was changed, because the director & cast are dysfunctional, and not the brightest crayons in the box. [1:13:19]
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