I’m from Wisconsin and went to college at Marquette, so I’ve been to a lot of parties & bars. As a musician you spend time at bars. Before the coronavirus pandemic struck, I had just invented a great two-person drinking game. The problem was I never found the right partner to play it with. Since who knows when all this is going to be over, I’m publishing my newly-invented drinking game, with all the rules. Here’s the official song.
You do this with someone you really like on sight. Go up to her and be nice, offer to buy her a drink, etc, and if you can get her semi-alone, then start this game. “Would you like to play a personal drinking game I just made up?” The yes/no reply is the first test. If she’s not game, then she probably lacks courage & imagination. That’s what I say, and it makes the rejection easier. This game will weed-out the wrong ones, one way or another.
Okay she’s beautiful, and says yes. Now you’re cookin’. Tell her, “The name of the game is ‘I’m not looking for that,’ and I’ll start to demonstrate.” Gaze around the bar/party, and start surveying people individually. Begin with something like, “You see that 200-pound girl over there, showing us WAY too much gut? I’m not looking for that.”
Rule: If the listener laughs, or is amused, then they take a drink. Now it’s her turn to tell you what she’s not looking for…
I’ll list a few rounds to illustrate a typical society-party situation for me.
ROUND 2: “Do you see that guy who’s been looking at me since I walked in here? I’m not looking for that.”
ROUND 3: “Do you see that 55-year old lady who’s pretending she’s 28? I’m not looking for that.”
ROUND 4: “Do you see that pretty thing who has destroyed herself with drugs & alcohol? I’m not looking for that.”
ROUND 5: “Do you hear that girl who has no sense-of-humor at all? I’m not looking for that.”
Once you’ve taken-out all the easy targets, it’s time to deliver a few sobering thoughts. If she’s hanging in there, and making YOU drink, it means she’s a good woman. Now is the time to get specific on lying & other big turn-offs.
ROUND 6: “You know those people who think lying, to the one you love, is okay? I’m not looking for that.”
ROUND 7: “You know those women who are just in it for themselves? I’m not looking for that.”
These are the brutal advanced rounds, where you need to keep your head, while inebriated with alcohol & enchanted by beauty. This is graduate-level drinking & partying. If you earn a PhD here, you’ll probably find your life partner, because everyone is looking for this. To those who can’t handle this, I’m not looking for that.
We objectify what rejects us.
Therefore men see women as sex objects, and women see men as wallets.
It is easier to be rejected by this, than by a thoughtful and caring person.
Reflexive male-protector role
Men as a group take the most dangerous jobs, work the longest hours at their career, and die 7 years younger.
For men: obligation, sacrifice, and powerlessness is called “power.”
This is the myth of male power.
Power is actually the ability to control one’s life.
Both sexes have roles, which is not power.
To achieve true power, one must move past survival into self-fulfilment.
Stage 1: Survival Stage 2: Self-fulfilment
What is functional for Stage 1 survival, is often dysfunctional for Stage 2 self-fulfilment.
That’s why 97% of us come from dysfunctional families, as our parents came from the survival stage.
Our parents worked and freed us to be able to ask & explore a whole set of questions, which they never had a chance to address.
For that, they deserve our gratitude & understanding.
Many middle-class women have moved beyond survival into self-fulfilment, because they have been given the opportunity for self-examination, by men who sacrificed for them.
Men largely still struggle to survive, as they don’t understand their feelings or what the problem is.
This is because they completely sacrificed themselves to their career, and don’t know how to love at home.
Women head-of-households have 141% greater net-worth, as compared to male head-of-households, as of 1994.
Most of the improvement between the sexes is that women now have more options.
Men are still largely programmed into a 1950’s male-protector role.
The change towards true gender equality & transformation can start in any place: with the man or the woman; high and low.
Women expect economic responsibility to be taken care of by men.
Men fear taking on the extra economic responsibility.
ALL heterosexual men are addicted to young, beautiful women.
ALL women covet the economic security & freedom provided by the rich, successful male.
Work is defined as: sacrificing oneself to the workplace, so one can have a better life outside of it.
Work is fulfilling, but can’t be just self-fulfilment; otherwise we would pay to go to work, instead of the other way around.
The pressure on ALL men, is the pressure to succeed.
Men must ignore intimacy to succeed.
Men don’t talk intimately with other men, because it exposes vulnerabilities, which hurts his chances of career success.
Therefore men put all their emotional eggs into the basket of women.
Blacks came from slavery, making their white owners wealthy– that is their unique heritage.
Native American males were destroyed.
Embracing diversity means empathizing, listening and feeling.
Women can’t hear what men don’t say.
Women must provide a safe atmosphere for sharing, otherwise men won’t share.
Men as wallets, women as sex objects, minorities as servants, etc… is a failed paradigm.
The adversarial relationship paradigm, between male patriarchy & female matriarchy, is unhealthy & destructive.
We need gender-transition equality, which embraces diversity and seeks to understand.
When the man has to pay for a gorgeous date, he’s paying for the difference between what he’s worth and what she’s worth.
Men pay for dates 95-97% of the time, at the best restaurants, (minus anniversaries and birthdays) according to maîtres d’hôtel & servers.
Men generally take the expectation of asking out, paying, and the sexual initiative.
The selection of men as protectors by women, with nuclear technology, has to potential to kill us all.
The most successful man at work, learns skills which are inversely proportional to loving at home.
The selection of the beautiful young doll by men, reinforces women as objects who don’t: carry their own, communicate effectively, or value inner beauty.
Our genetic heritage is in conflict with our genetic future.
Our challenge as a species is to adapt to Stage 2– self-fulfilment.
Species that don’t adapt, go extinct.
Socially codified prostitution isn’t working for either sex. Feminism has freed 3-5% of women, who have learned to carry their own & understand men, by listening. 95-97% of females, still expect men to meet their economic needs. In other words, they still expect men to pay for sex & love; the difference being now– this woman is her own pimp. That’s her ’empowerment.’
A real woman, carries her own responsibilities; happily sharing in the work & love. Men need to have realistic expectations & limits, in regards to the age and level of beauty of their prospective mate. Men over-rate their attractiveness, as a survival reflex to protect their ego and obtain the most sex, with the most-beautiful women. All of us need to get past survival thinking, which means men must stop lying about themselves; and women need to stop lying to protect others, in exchange for economic security.
Men: Seek a comparably attractive woman, with who you are compatible. Ideal ‘types’ will be your age & level of attractiveness, who listen and seek to understand you. Improve your own health & beauty (as well as hers!), through the healing power of love. It’s all quite scientific. [link]
Women: This world we live in, has been built by men. Men do the dangerous & dirty work (except for prostitution), and work longer hours– that’s why they are better paid. All of this is to provide protection & comfort– to women & their children. Virtually all the great art was made by men, inspired by and made for, women. The same is true with literature, science, technology, and most of the physical marvels that have benefited human existence. Women owe men their love & gratitude for ALL their sacrifices through the ages, and know they can depend on men to get it done in the future.
Women are correct when they object to being treated as prized-property. Men object to be treated as disposable property. When both men & women learn to listen, respect, and assist each other; that becomes mutual conditional love, which is what homo sapiens must adapt to, in order to survive.
The reason we lie is because a it bridges the gap between who we want to be, and who we actually are.
Lie-spotting is not about, “Gotcha!”
Lie-spotters are armed with scientific methods to spot deception.
They use it to get to the truth, and ultimately build trust.
Truth #1: Lying is a cooperative act.
A lie’s power is not in its utterance, but in when someone else agrees to believe it.
We are most likely to be deceived over what we desire most.
If you don’t want to be deceived, you need to know what you’re hungry for.
On a given day, the average person is lied to 10-200 times.
Many of those are white lies, used to maintain the dignity of others & social norms, and can be seen as relatively harmless.
However, strangers lie to each other (on average) 3 times within the first 10 minutes of meeting.
Men lie more about themselves.
Women lie to protect others.
Married couples lie to each other in 1 out of 10 interactions.
Non-married couples lie to each other in 1 out of 3 interactions.
Truth #2: We are against lying… but are covertly for it.
It’s part of our history & genetic heritage– ex. Shakespeare, the Bible, the Nightly News, etc…
The larger the neocortex, the more likely it is to be deceptive.
Lying is a survival instinct.
We live in a post-truth society.
Trained lie-spotters get to the truth 90% of the time; the rest, only 54% of the time.
Some people are better at lying than others.
There are no original liars, we all use the same methods and make the same mistakes.
Pattern #1: Verbal Dodging
Non-contracted denial– people who are determined to lie will resort to formal, instead of informal language (Bill Clinton, “I DID NOT have sex with that woman”, etc).
Distancing language– liars will unconsciously distance themselves from the subject, using language as their tool (Bill Clinton again, “…that woman“).
Qualifying language– (“in all honesty”, “to tell you the truth”, etc…) further discredits the subject towards deception.
Repeating the question in its entirety– ditto above.
Testimony with too much detail– ditto ditto.
Pattern #2: Body Language Tells
We all chatter with our fingertips.
Liars are known to freeze their upper bodies while being deceptive.
Liars will look you in the eye, a little too much, overcompensating for the myth that they won’t look at you.
A true smile is in the eyes.
You can consciously contract the muscles around your mouth, but not your eyes.
Look for the ‘hot spots’ to find the discrepancies between words and actions.
Attitude is the biggest tell of all; are they being cooperative?
An honest person will be on your side, enthusiastically helping to solve the problem.
An honest person will be infuriated, during the entire interview (not just in flashes), if they are accused of deception.
An honest person is more likely to recommend strict, not lenient punishment.
Conversely, a deceptive person will pause, look down, and lower their voice during an interview.
They will add extraneous details and tell their story in strict chronological order.
Professional lie-spotters will ask them to repeat their story backwards, then observe the red flags for deception in their gestures.
Red flag indicators include:
1) Saying “Yes,” while shaking our heads “No.”
2) Telling a convincing story, then shrugging our shoulders.
3) Duping delight.
Anger can be healthy; but when it turns to contempt, you’ve been dismissed.
It’s associated with moral superiority, and is very hard to recover from.
Contempt is marked by one lip corner pulled up & in, and is the only asymmetrical facial expression.
In the presence of contempt, say “No,” and leave the room ASAP.
Contempt looks like this:
These behaviors by themselves don’t always indicate deception, but if red flags appear in clusters, then suspicion of lying must be aroused.
These cues must be followed up, with further questioning & lie-spotting to determine the truth.
Look, listen, probe; ask hard questions.
Leave that comfortable mode of ‘knowing’ and walk into curiosity.
Have dignity and establish rapport.
Don’t interrogate aggressively–it doesn’t work.
Character is who you are in the dark.
We live in a much noisier world than our parents; with blogs, social media, texting, etc…
Over-sharing is not honesty.
The subtleties of human decency, character & honesty, are what truly matter.
In this noisier world, it makes sense to be more explicit about our moral code.
The science of lie-spotting, combined with the art of looking & listening, exempts us from collaborating in a lie.
This leads to a shift towards recognizing truth and marginalizing falsehood, which strengthens our world around us.
That’s the truth.
