The Brain Eaters (1958) riff script

00:22 Riverdale began to be consumed into a suburb of Chicago
00:32 I said, “No U Turn!”
00:40 The Riverdale Philharmonic could use some more practice
00:52 The Brain Eaters: The true story of how Hollywood dumbed-down America
01:03 Alan Frost; AKA Alan Jay Factor; AKA J Factor
01:10 These credits are Roger Corman-esque
01:18 Spock! You’re name is misspelled.
01:43 Bombastic music by Tom Jonsonville brats, Jonsonville brats, Jonsonville brats…
02:09 […home in the country] … so you can understand why were were driving so fast.
02:22 … when J Factor suddenly had a blowout on his ride
02:35 Power lines in the background foreshadowing stupidity
03:00 “Let playing-dead-for-the-camera dogs, lie,” I always say.
03:30 It’s an over-sized party hat; a giant pastry bag for cake decorating; an early scale-model of the Matterhorn at Disneyland; industrial aluminum sheeting, circa 1958.

03:43 AKA, porno flicks
04:16 That base diameter isn’t even close to being equal to it’s height, but that’s 1950’s sci-fi for you.
04:35 [total resistance to pressure] The cone will not be pressured
04:43 It’s believed that the cone was used to suffocate its victims under a massive flow of sugary icing.
04:49 “If anyone is hiding the boy Vito Andolini, turn him over to me and there will be no trouble…”
05:05 […nature of the cone remain unknown] … aside that it’s a 3-dimensional figure with length, width & height, and a flat, circular base.

05:22 Breaking information on the nature of the cone. The cone is a ship. We have good intel on that.
05:29 … but I will have my hands bound by the person holding all the coats.
05:45 Bad touching
06:03 Speaking of cleaning out closets, this bigshot should check his before he comes out
06:10 [Garrett!] He looks & talks like Rudy Guiliani
06:19 [the lid will be off in 24 hours] I’m going down to Ground Zero to blow the lid off of WTC 7
06:35 Washington’s air transportation for its most distinguished political representatives is a Cessna turboprop
06:45 [requested no publicity] … and there wasn’t any.
07:00 Glenn Cameron– illegitimate son of Glenn Close & James Cameron
07:08 I thought Rudy Guiliani was the mayor
07:17 [abundant supply of bunglers]… which explains NY fire fighters without operable radios. Any comment, Mayor Guiliani, or are we done here?
07:25 Mr. Guiliani!! Mr. Guiliani!!! What about the Twin Towers collapsing at free-fall speed?
07:31 What about nanothermate in the ash? Why weren’t you at the established command post…? Mr. Guiliani, Mr. Guiliani…
07:40 The station wagon: government ground transportation that doubles as a hearse, for easy clean-up of government waste
07:48 He’s doing Tai Chi, hold ball
07:52 short form

08:02 “Restricted ravine area…” That means weed farming territory, so watch out for guerrillas!
08:12 [curiosity seekers] … so they came by the thousands
08:20 … unhampered by public accountability & oversight
08:34 But does he know the nature of the cone?
08:45 They’re making a test right now, it’s called #2
08:50 “Sonic reverberation,” huh? So they’re farting into the cone and recording it, as part of test #2.
09:05 Someone blow an air horn, right now.
09:38 Trump Casino has you’re action, Mr. Guiliani. We’ve got roulette, craps, keno, slots, baccarat, blackjack & Texas Hold Em!!
09:42 I wonder what Ed Nelson stuffs into his pipe to convince himself he looks smart?

10:02 Inconceivable!
10:07 … spirographs & polaroid
10:20 “Alter the surface?” Nonsense, the markings will buff right out. What are you smoking, Ed?
10:24 [nothing’s indestructible] … except capitalism.
10:36 [not a mar] “Not a mar,” huh? Next time try putting a tool on it, pretty boy.
10:41 … hallucinogenics, angel dust, meth….
10:48 We were thinking about going inside, but let’s stand around & talk some more.
11:02 We’re clueless, without a map
11:11 Look out for ricochets!
11:20 That’s pretty much how we’ve been testing it. Lost a few doctors on the ricochets.
11:28 “Cyclic,” like a woman

11:39 … and you women in your fallopian tubes
11:47 [inside of that ship] Now pull WTC 7!
11:58 … so you can injure yourself
12:19 The final scene of a really cheezy B-movie
12:27 Watch out for ricochets!
12:38 Florsheim shoes
12:50 I think this would have been better as a silent movie, set during the Civil War
13:15 [too long] Sonny is ready to go the the mattresses…
13:18 … while Mikey is off to kill Virgil Sollozzo & Captain McCluskey.
13:31 [Listen!] It’s the Brain Eaters!! Shoot first & ask questions later!!!

14:00 N scale or HO?
14:03 It’s for hobbyists
14:15 [Hold the Line] Love isn’t always on time
14:22 … and there’s gonna be trouble/ Hey now/ Hey now/ the mayor’s back
14:29 The mayor of Riverdale has been afflicted with Parkinson’s & muscular dystrophy
14:48 We need a horizontal on the camera, please.
15:25 Filmed in diagonal-vision
15:33 I’m getting dizzy with this vertigo photography
15:44 Yeah, because the toy train tunnel is so mystifying. Level the tripod, you idiots!
15:56 [I’m sorry dad] … but it appears the Brain Eaters have gotten the best of you
16:05 This camera work is making us all sick
16:14 Don’t make me call Roy Cohn
16:21 [… under martial law] That’s how democracy works here in America
16:30 The shot is slanted screen right
16:42 The mayor looks like George Will
17:00 Give it to him! Give it to him!!

18:20 Ed Nelson’s hair is holding up well
18:23 I found out that smoking tobacco causes cancer. But nevermind that, how do I look? Do you like my hair?
18:34 I don’t need rest, and I don’t need your nagging. I need to get laid. Got that, honey?
18:57 [would’ve died anyway] … only 40 years later.
19:03 [2 piercing instruments] … one that lifts & separates, and one that cuts.
19:21 … by secreting acids out of their asses into the CNS. That’s not only hard to believe, it’s hard to say.
19:40 Brain Eaters are like having a monkey on your back
19:48 [victim isn’t human anymore] He turns into a Republican
19:56 In fact, let’s keep this whole movie confidential. The American public doesn’t need to know about this.
20:04 Quick, light a match.

20:21 The Sheriff will be tunneling the cone next
20:34 “Whoa!! Missed that turn in the dark, and skidded out of control…” What dimbulb cast this cop who can’t drive?
20:40 Brain Eating speed bump ahead, approach with caution
20:52 You can tell this is Hollywood action, a real cop would use his gun and blast the Brain Eaten zombie.
21:02 It’s the Tai Chi master observing his student
21:18 This part of Tom Jonson’s score is called, “March of the Brain Eaters”
21:25 Tai Chi sifu demonstrates ‘Snake Creeps Down’ to his pupil
21:36 The Brain Eaters are cooking Jonsonville brats, Jonsonville brats, Jonsonville brats…
21:50 … and back to ‘hold ball’
22:12 What a shame, Riverdale now has Brain Eaters for law enforcement.

22:30 She prepared instant coffee on a bunson burner. Science!
22:42 He’s filleting a lobster
22:45 Hey lady assistant, turn off the bunson burner when not in use, the valve is in front of you.
22:57 Oh, for about 10 seconds
23:03 How long does that take, smart guy?
23:16 [hands like ice] … and so is the rest of you.
23:25 I’m so high from all the fumes in here that I didn’t realize my pipe had gone out. Slide that bunson burner over here, sweetie.
23:35 [back to work] So doctor, what should we do about that Brain Eater crawling behind that beaker?

23:48 A toy mouse has been attached to Ed Nelson’s elbow!!
23:52 It hurts & stuff!
24:12 What’s that burning smell behind us?
24:46 … and once again the weed farmer militias were out in force
25:00 [and there wasn’t a guard on duty] Pop is all alone. Call Sonny & Tom Hagan
25:36 [are you thinking the same thing I am?] Yep, DUI
25:55 I think Dr. Wyler was in D.W. Griffith’s Birth of a Nation (1916)
26:15 This B-movie is a waste of time
26:28 [useless piece of junk] … so we’re gonna blow it up and build a Freedom Tower in its place.
26:42 [we don’t want a nationwide panic on our hands] … or a “war on terror”

26:51 [scientific hunch] … and the rest is propaganda
26:58 You mean they’re like hedge fund investors?
27:03 Because people are more gullible.
27:21 [trial & error] Mostly error
27:27 That shows they understand bourgeois politics
27:33 Like a infantry Private
27:42 Yes they have. There are dead bodies all over Riverdale.
27:53 [draw up a map] … and mark every massage parlor in red.
27:58 [phone ringing] Rudy Guiliani calling Donald Trump, “Don’t fly on September 11th!”
28:20 The hunchback of Riverdale being tormented, “The bells, the bells…!”
28:45 This could an Andy Warhol silent, set to the music of Tom Jonsonville brats…

28:59 Rudy Guiliani’s thinking to himself, “Who ordered this lousy communication equipment?”
29:13 [Just routine] Routine Radio Free Europe stuff
29:18 This ‘not-so-good map’ shows every location needed to shoot this B-movie in six days
29:31 That would make it easier for the Brain Eaters to pick us off
29:38 We can put you ladies under the police protection of the possessed Sheriff
29:54 … to disagree.
30:04 Can’t do science without weapons
30:24 Then we’ll have to do something
30:38 Bored? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.
30:40 It’s day, it’s night; it keeps switching in the cutaways
31:05 Parrots survived the KT extinction event because they’re prolific fliers. Someone tell Senator Guiliani to put a sock in it.

31:44 [woman screams] More Tom Jonsonville brats!!
32:02 Is Dr. Ed not hearing that hissing foley? Is he deaf, or just dumb?
32:10 … a discharged fuel receptacle of a Brain Eater?
32:30 .. or some really bad sound editing
32:33 … and out of this movie!
32:54 It’s day again. Continuity!
33:04 Alice has a piercing scream, doesn’t she?
33:10 Now we’re trapped inside, it’s NOT alright!
33:22 It’s Brain Eaters hissing!!
33:35 Glenn/J Factor just peed his pants.
33:51 J Factor needed two cutaways to clear that window. Remarkable
33:58 … and he isn’t a very good shot; the Brain Eaten zombie was point blank.
34:05 … and he didn’t double tap. Glenn Close Cameron is an idiot who deserves to get eaten by the monsters.
34:20 Was that an action/getaway sequence?
34:28 I guess we’ll just sit around and do nothing, again
34:44 [DONT TOUCH THEM] That hanging whatever-it-is, is rotated 90 degrees on the wall. No, more like 87 degrees.
34:56 I’m guessing he missed his bet
35:10 … by rigging nanothermate cutter charges to all the support beams, which could be detonated in sequence, unleashing Brain Eater parasites.
35:37 I need you in the worst way
35:49 Dear Bill & Hillary…
35:56 I’m sorry, sir, but the Clinton’s are vacationing with the McDougal’s in Whitewater, and can’t be reached until Monday.
36:21 [It’s already there] … and I’m Already Gone
36:36 Tai Chi death stare
36:45 Maybe I’m nothing but a shadow on the wall / Maybe love’s a tomb where you dance at night…

37:40 The Velvet Underground would have done a better soundtrack, I think.
38:00 They’re re-enacting Romeo & Juliet, where he’s leaving a Brain Eater on her fire escape
38:22 window opening feedback
38:26 Eeeeww!! Brain Eaters are giant hair clogs, parasites which are transferred to other humans in a fishbowl by their zombies. Got that?
38:45 I realize they’ve gotten a few dogs already, but I say a good cat would be all over these Brain Eaters as they slink & hiss across a floor, pulled by a wire.
39:00 I’d like to see a Siamese kitten pounce and devour a Brain Eater, then barf it up as a hairball, thus mutating it.
39:14 Beware!! Brain Eaters attack those who sleep alone.
39:24 Hey guys, do something while the music is swelling!
39:34 (Guys thinking) We’ll… I guess we stood around too long, and now it’s too late, huh?
39:47 The Princess Buttercup!
40:09 Starting with his face, the Sheriff just melts into the background
40:20 Brain Eaters breaking up into groups
40:38 [“We’ll find a way”] !!? Neither of these schlubs could find their way to second base, so how are they going to rescue the girl from a giant cake icing dispenser that shoots out Brain Eaters?
40:44 You can let go of his arm, Glenn. Was J Factor trying to tell Dr. Ed something important?

40:54 B-movie 2-shot: Good Hair & Wannabe
41:02 [… mystery greeted us] How to disguise a sound stage as a canyon location?
41:17 Brain Eaten for five years, the Professor is remarkable well-preserved
41:22 Try mouth-to-mouth, doc!
41:30 Twist his spine some more, doc. Do any of his patients survive?
41:42 Because it felt UNCOMFORTABLE in there. The Brain Eater was unloved & unappreciated.
41:48 No, it isn’t. Your heart is much more serious than a bad car engine.
41:55 He’ll tell dirty little secrets
42:08 Who cares?
42:13 [every minute counts] To the Batmobile!
42:22 What if it’s Funkier than a Mosquito’s Tweeter?

42:54 But vehicles can’t drive through the woods, that’s what roadblocks are for. Any lightbulbs going on, doc?
43:02 … a little TOO cooperating
43:25 [… What do they want of us?] What is the nature of the cone?
43:56 [What is the secret of the cone?] Its tapering cylindrical qualities.
44:00 “Carbon…iferous,” from this we deduce that these hair clogs known as Brain Eaters come from the Paleozoic Era.
44:23 Wooly Mammoth dragonflies
44:30 The Earth is largely carboniferous
44:42 Dr. Kettering (Ed Nelson) just lost another one. His patient base dies off quicker than Jack Kevorkian’s.
44:54 … carboniferous?

45:05 The Brain Eaters have tunneled up through the Earth like Hogan’s Heroes.
45:09 Kenneth Starr
45:17 [I’ll keep trying sir] Clear the lines for Sen. Walter K. Powers, head of the flying saucer investigation committee, who has this to say, “We will rebuild at Ground Zero, no matter the cost.”
45:26 [Operator] … well, could you help me place this call?
45:44 [Hello Operator] Oh could you help me place this call?
45:52 The operator is hopped-up on Brain Eaters
47:58 [Hello, operator] … well, let’s forget about this call
46:03 If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try again… if you would like to make a call…
46:12 … so we can’t give the firefighters the signal to clear the Twin Towers before it implodes
46:18 It has just been reported that WTC 7 has collapsed…. Wait, it’s still standing… Apparently it’s about to collapse, and we’ve been told to ‘stand by,’ as collapse is imminent…

46:35 You can really see what an improvement The Dukes of Hazzard was over 1950’s sci-fi
46:42 Bruno VeSota never considered placing a microphone and directing this scene, but instead went for loose improv, a voice-over, and then a heaping helping of Jonsonville brats.
47:07 Why are Dr. Ed & J Factor rushing off after beating up the telegraphers?
47:16 [director points] Good Morning Vietnam!
47:26 Don’t come here, its a mess with Brain Eaters.
47:42 Brain Eater inflating his humpback– pupa stage apparently
47:52 Cool, I heard Nina Simone was performing…
37:59 [who thought so little of his own abilities] .. and for good reason
48:04 [Hi] High? Of course.
48:14 [detect any movement around the hatch] We’ve strung tripwire up & down, and camouflaged punji sticks at the base of the scaffolding
48:25 … but look out for Brain Eaters, doc
48:40 He’s like Sgt. Hulka in Stripes (1981) on the rope climb. “Anyone wanna come up and try to knock me down?!”
48:51 Dr. Ed’s thinking, “This piece of junk only dials-in AM.”

49:11 [Duck!] What the heck is Dr. Ed doing?
49:20 The main characters don’t even know what’s happening.
49:28 If Dr. Ed keeps shooting people dead, the medical board will eventually have to revoke his license to practice
49:46 Another victim eats lead from Dr. Ed
49:57 [What did you kill them for?] Don’t question my actions, I’m a doctor.
50:04 Not after Dr. Ed operates…
50:11 Look out for ricochets!
50:25 Dr. Dead & J Factor, inside the cone
50:34 [Where’s Kettering & young Cameron?] Shooting the tube

50:43 Ahhh, a light at the end of the B-movie.
50:53 The voice of Leonard Nimoy, whose name is misspelled in the credits
51:14 Science Officer & First Officer of the USS Enterprise
51:29 … except Shatner’s ham-fisted re-writes & grandstanding
51:44 [We are in complete harmony] … like the Mama’s & Papa’s
51:47 [We are inseparable] … like Sid & Nancy
52:03 [like seeds, in the wind] Dust in the wind / All we are is dust in the wind / (All we are is dust in the wind) / Dust in the wind…
52:09 […from the corruptions of the Earth] …like the Delta variant.
52:24 We shall enforce Cher & Paula Abdul upon them.
52:38 You’re on our short list for ‘guest villain’ on Batman
52:44 … but we’ve gone through a few drummers & upgraded our bass player
53:03 They aren’t “flesh & blood” anymore, they’re possessed by Paleozoic arthropods which eerily resemble hair clogs in a drain.
53:09 Hey doc! Watch out for ricochets!!
53:15 [Let’s get out of here!] Leonard Nimoy definitely went for the ‘star part’ in this stinker. That’s where you get paid up front, show up at the end & exit quickly, and everyone remembers you best.
53:24 Keep shootin’ doc! Is anyone recording the bullets pinging around inside the cone of unknown nature?
53:30 That scaffold doesn’t meet OHSA specs. I’m starting to think this is a REALLY low-budget flick.

53:48 Crickets chirping, idiots filming
54:02 [What are they waiting for?] Rudy Guiliani is ready to blow-up the whole thing. The parallels to 9/11 are inescapable!
54:08 [We need the time] The time is 7:52 PM
54:19 I might. Why?
54:31 “Salvage that power truck,” my ass. Keys were still in it, so J Factor just backed the front tires onto the road again.
54:41 [over difficult terrains] I use it to operate on patients
54:58 It’s the electricity from the high-voltage power lines overhead, Rudy
55:15 … and then scream in pain as you’re electrocuted.
55:28 We’ll light up this valley in flames. It’ll be like California in the 2000’s & beyond.
55:38 Enron used a similar technique to deliver power to its customers

55:59 They obeyed the maniacal Dr. Kettering completely & absolutely.
56:05 … which I would hold onto until death to complete the circuit.
56:15 [strung an inch or two from the cone] I’m sensing deep sexual frustration from the narrator
56:25 [What’s your plan?] We’re gonna pull the Twin Towers & WTC 7, while a CIA drone hits the Pentagon with a cruise missile; then blame it all on the Arabs.
56:40 [… the kind that kills] Dr. Ed is on a killing spree. You can hear it in his voice & see it in his eyes.
56:50 [I’m against it] Suicide is unacceptable, we prefer slaughtering our own
57:05 … who will hold the gun the cable is connected to, and get electrocuted?
57:11 [Kettering!] FERC is going to be on your ass if you try to go through with this crazy stunt, doc.
57:39 Comin’ down the mountain / One of many children…
57:47 It’s Romeo & Joliet theater
57:58 Whilst thee now go & be done, or shall thou pad thy part?
58:04 [Go ahead] … make my day

58:22 If it takes me the rest of my life, I’ll save one patient!
58:35 {Dr. Ed shot] Woo hoo!
58:40 Shakespearian tragedy from Bruno VeSota & Gordon Urquhart; Dr. Ed lost his final patient
58:54: [Fire the gun] But Mayor Rudy, the firefighters can’t hear the order to evacuate because their Saber III radios don’t work, due to the sweetheart contract you negotiated with Motorola.
59:07 Glenn Close Cameron fires the gun…
59:09 …and he is instantly electrocuted.
59:22 Hmmm…. Fried Dr. Kettering… Smells like chicken.
59:32 Even the cast can’t watch the end
59:37 [electrical wires flashing] Nice job dickweeds, everywhere from Milwaukee to Indianapolis is blacked-out.
59:45 We have to make sure nothing could have lived through that
59:51 [… every last one of them] You mean there are no survivors at Ground Zero, Mayor Guiliani?
1:00:02 I think we DO know Walter K. Powers; AKA: Rudy Guiliani, J Edgar Hoover, James Cagney, Don Vito Corleone…
1:00:10 You can tell they had to finish shooting that evening. The scaffolding was due back at Classic Tents & Events in the morning, and it would have put them over budget if they were late.
1:00:25 [Oh Glenn] Don’t ever pimp yourself as J Factor again
1:00:32 There’s babe factor, and then there’s Alan Jay Factor
1:00:40 Jonsonville brats, Jonsonville brats, Jonsonville brats…